Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely
by Spot's July
Summary: One girl's life is ruined in a single night, leaving her friends to cope


Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely  
  
Rated: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I don't really own anything  
  
A/N: I wrote this story my freshmen year of high school..Now I'm a sophomore in college, but someone wrote a review recently saying they couldn't read it because of its format so I went back and changed it...and laughed at total lack of regard I had for spelling, grammar, capitalization and so on...though on a side note, I still can't spell, and my grammar isn't so hot either...however, I changed the format, and restrained myself from re-writing the story all together, funny how years ago it really seemed good haha. Anyway, here it is, old story, new format.  
  
* Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely *  
  
A charmed life, I did not live, a good life, yes possibly.   
  
All depends on a person's perspective I suppose.   
  
If you were a rich bitch then I'd live a crappy life, if you were a street rat with nothing to your name, then maybe you would think I live a wonderful life.   
  
But I, Sunshine Kelly, sister of Jack Kelly, the leader of the Manhatten Newsies, believe I live a comfortable life.   
  
Well as comfortable as the rock hard beds at the lodging house could be. But life wasn't all about comfort as I was often told.   
  
It was, as my friend spot said "about surviving"   
  
I guess as my name would tell you I'm an idealist, always believing things to be sunny and nice.   
  
"Stupid" is what spot called it.   
  
What did I care, spot was cold and bitter about everything except himself, but egotistical as he was I loved him dearly, he was one of my best friends, since the day my brother broke me out of the orphanage and introduced me to him.   
  
This famous leader of Brooklyn, the most famous and respected Newsie in the entire city, I had him from the start, or so he says, "one smile from you sunshine is all it takes" and that's how I went from being Emily to being Sunshine.   
  
I was 14 when Jack sprung me, I was the group idealist in there to, telling the littler kids about far away places they would go to, getting scolded and often whipped for filling their heads with "rubbish" but it didn't stop me, everyone needs to dream.   
  
I'm 15 now, right in the middle of all the Newsies, who I'm good friends with, I stayed at the lodging house but didn't work as a newsie.   
  
"Too dangerous for a dreamer" Jack said.   
  
Like he should speak, the boy still dreams of Santa Fe, I see him sneak peeks at that old Western Jim comic he found one day, but he had a dream and who was I to squash it?   
  
So I didn't tell him I knew and dreamt that he was happy here and would never leave me.   
  
So anyway I earn my upkeep by working as a waitress at Tibby's. A good compromise I thought, I got money and got to see the Newsies.   
  
My shift had ended so I wandered into the lodging house looking for any lone newsies that may have finished early, finding none I asked Kloppman if he needed any help.   
  
I was "the bright spot in his day" the daughter he never knew.   
  
I felt bad for the old man who lost his wife and child all in the same day. But he didn't need my help, he was doing books for the place, and even though I'm smart as a whip when it comes to math, he doesn't take chances, better if he does it himself. So I went upstairs lying on my bunk,   
  
drifting into my own world where there was no pain and everyone was happy.   
  
"Sunshine" Mush called, "Sunshine!" he should have known he'd have to yell to get me out of my fantasy land.   
  
"What?" I asked sitting up. I had a bottom bunk and unlike most everyone else, who had a bottom bunk, I didn't hit my head when I sat up, I was still short at 5'1.   
  
"You in there?" he teased tossing my blond hair.   
  
"Yeah, yeah yeah, I'm in here, what'a need?" I asked smiling trying to re-comb my hair with my fingers, I was unsuccessful, and decided to just forget about it, my hair was mid-length reaching the middle of my back, but I'd worry about it later.   
  
"Jack told me to tell you he'd meet you at Tibbys for dinner"   
  
"Ugh, I've seen so much of Tibby's food...but ok, I'll be there" I agreed, thinking of the kids who weren't lucky enough to get food every night.   
  
"In the mean time, you wanna go around town find everyone else?" he asked drawing me back into the real world.   
  
"Sure, lets go" I said picking up my hat,   
  
"Don't you wanna brush your hair first?" he asked   
  
I shrugged, "Not really, but for you, sure why not" I leaned over and picked up my brush quickly running it through my hair, "good?" I asked shaking my head to spread it out, not waiting for his reply I jumped off the bed putting my hat on.   
  
"Lets go" I grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door, he laughed at me, knowing I was probably never going to change.   
  
Mush and I walked around the city looking for the other Newsies, and just generally talking about nothing in particular.   
  
We ended up in Brooklyn, where Spot and his gang as always were sitting on the pier doing nothing.   
  
Mush stopped to talk to Spot and I kept wandering.  
  
"Hey dreamah" spot called out.   
  
I looked up, "You better watch where you're goin' before you end up in da rivah" he said laughing at me.  
  
I looked in front of me, I was close to an inch away from the edge of the pier.   
  
I looked back at him and shrugged.   
  
"Got 'er head in da clouds no doubt" Mush said.   
  
I walked back over to them, "So whats goin on Spot?"   
  
"Nothing short stuff, just sittin' ere watchin' me boys at woik"   
  
His "boys" were swimming, but who cared, summer was almost over, let them enjoy it.   
  
"What bout you guys?" he asked   
  
"Ah we're just waiting for da other Newsies to be done" Mush answered for us.   
  
Spot nodded his head, "how'd you end up heah?"   
  
"Does it matter?" I asked "We're here, you know your happy"   
  
He laughed "And I thought I was the one with the ego"   
  
I smiled at him, "You are, you're just rubbing off on me" I said.   
  
"Ummm hmmm" he said "Now that brother of yours will be aftah me, fer   
  
polluting his baby sistah".   
  
I shrugged again smiling at him "Not my fault"   
  
"It's gettin late, I promised Cowboy I'd have da dreamah here at Tibby's for   
  
dinnah"   
  
"How much does he pay you to baby-sit me?" I asked playfully "Hope its more   
  
then a nickel, cause if it isn't your getting ripped off".   
  
"Yeah I get paid big bucks to keep you from gettin run ovah by a carriage   
  
like yous certainly would if I wasn't around"   
  
"Or falling off a pier" Spot threw in.   
  
I stuck my tongue out at them and said, "Common, I'm hungry, later Spot"   
  
We walked back to Manhattan, arriving at Tibby's later then everyone else.   
  
"Heya guys where ya been?" Blink asked.   
  
"To Brooklyn" Mush answered   
  
"Dropped by on Spot and his boys" I said.   
  
We sat down and ordered, talking and laughing, when Ingrid, a Irish girl who worked the late shift at Tibbys came up and tapped my shoulder.   
  
"Emily" she said referring to me by the name I used for work, "You said you'd take my shift remember?"   
  
I looked at her blankly, then stood up suddenly, "oh Ingrid, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot, I'm here, you go to your fathers"   
  
"Thanks" she said taking off her apron handing it to me, she ran towards the kitchen area   
  
"Emily's here sir, I'm going now"   
  
"Thanks" she said breathlessly running out the door.   
  
I tied the apron on, grabbing the order pad and took the orders of some last minute stragglers.   
  
Once their order was in I started clearing the Newsies tables.   
  
"Ahhh Sunshine you are da most absent minded goil sometimes" Jack said.   
  
"Ahhh shut up and eat your food Cowboy" I replied.   
  
"Ahhh more sasperilla there miss" Race said.   
  
"Sure" I said. "Anyone else want one?" I asked, cause the Newsies had a habit of waiting till I was back with one persons drink to ask for another.   
  
A couple of yeahs came from around the tables so I brought out a tray,   
  
I couldn't help but notice how Blink and Mush each grabbed one quickly. They did this whenever trays of drinks were served. They told me their reason once, something about having to share a drink during the strike, I don't know.   
  
I heard about the strike, but Jack didn't get me out of the orphanage till a week after it was over.   
  
I brought out the last orders of the night, flipped the sign on the door, so no one else came in, and continued clearing the tables.   
  
The Newsies left a few at a time saying they'd see me back at the lodging house, until it was just Jack, Mush and Blink left sitting there as I wiped the tables down.   
  
Jack didn't like me walking home alone, so he always stayed when I had a night shift, the others stayed to keep him company.   
  
Finally after I swept the floor, wiped all the tables, and hung my apron, I called good night to Roger, the owner of the joint, and left.   
  
We walked slowly down the roads, I listened to jack talk about the headline and Mush and Blink agree about how bad it was.   
  
Sunshine, you selling with me tomorrow?" Jack asked.   
  
"I would but Ingrid doesn't really owe me, since I showed up kinda late" I said. "But the day after I am" I said.   
  
Wednesdays and Sundays were my days off.   
  
"Dats too bad" Jack said   
  
"You can wait a day, I'm sure Cowboy, I know it'll be hard, but I'm sure you'll manage"   
  
"Maybe you should bring Sarah along" I teased "you'll have more fun with her anyway, I'm   
  
sure"   
  
He turned red, as Blink and Mush laughed.   
  
"You better watch it Sunshine Kelly, I know where you sleep"   
  
I laughed "Yeah right under you, your point?"   
  
"When did my sweet little sistah toin into a smart alex?" he asked   
  
"I think she was dat way when she came ere" Blink said   
  
"Yeah, I think craziness runs in da family" Mush added.   
  
"Ohhhh you better watch it, we know where you sleep to you bums" I said, mocking Jack.   
  
We reached the lodging house still laughing, life was good.   
  
I woke up the next day, early, it was an aspect of me that made people want to kill   
  
me. I could wake up at the crack of dawn and still be cheery.   
  
The Newsies made a point of mentioning how annoying it was every day. I laughed it off,   
  
I had to get up early to use the bathroom before the boys took it over.   
  
Kloppman came in as I was emerging from the washroom, I watched with an amused smile as one by one the Newsies bolted upwards at the sound of there name being bellowed.   
  
"Stop smiling Sunshine" Boots moaned "it ain't funny"   
  
My smile broadened "You're just jealous" I said.   
  
He made a face at me so comical I burst into peals of laughter, ducking as pillows came flying at me from all directions.   
  
Jack and I walked towards Tibby's where he dropped me off and picked up Davey.   
  
I walked into Tibby's, put on my apron, and helped Marques, the other waiter, take the chairs off the tables.   
  
"Late again, Emily" he said smiling.   
  
"You try getting ready with 30 guys and see if you get here on time" he laughed and walked to the door flipping the sign.   
  
By eleven o'clock the place was packed, I ran from table to table, refilling drinks, taking orders, and bringing out food.   
  
When the newsies came in around one, I took my break, eating some lunch.   
  
"Busy day?" Itey asked.   
  
"What does it look like" I replied sagging in my chair.   
  
"Ya poor thing" Race said "And we got a good headline an everything"   
  
"Well at least somebody's day is going better then mine" I said sitting up and taking a bite of   
  
my salad.   
  
"Emily" Marques yelled.   
  
I looked over, a party of 8 had walked in, complete with 5 children, who now were blowing their milk on each other.   
  
"Breaks over" I muttered pushing my half-eaten salad away, and dashing to help him.   
  
We got them settled, under control, fed, and finally packing.   
  
By this time it was three and the place was quiet.   
  
"The brats scared everyone away, I'm willing to bet" Marques muttered.   
  
"Then they did us a favor" I said, wiping up the milk, crumbs and other unpleasant surprises they'd left behind.   
  
"Em, can i ask you a question?" Marques asked   
  
"Yeah sure, shoot"   
  
"It's about Rhonda"   
  
Rhonda was his girlfriend, a high class kinda girl.   
  
"well it's ummm, do you think she'd ever marry someone like me?"   
  
I looked at him, he was 18 and thinking of marriage?   
  
"I dunno, Marques, she's going out with you right, I mean she obviously likes you" I said   
  
"I know but her father probably wouldn't be happy, I mean he still doesn't know that we see each other.   
  
"Oh jeez Marques, you think he's stupid, he's going to find out"   
  
"I know, I know, but if we eloped..."   
  
I wanted to say something reasonable but I was caught up in the fantasy of some guy who loved me so much that he'd be willing to run away from everything, and before I could think I'd told him that it just might work.   
  
He smiled so brightly, "Thanks Em"   
  
"No problem, it's on the house."   
  
"Hey you two" Roger said coming up behind us, "I think I can handle it till the next shift comes, go on home, you worked hard today"   
  
"Thanks" Marques said as he hugged me.   
  
I knew I was losing a co-worker that night, that is if Rhonda said yes, she'd be crazy not to, the guy was crazy about her.   
  
I walked back to the lodging house slowly, no one was there, not even Kloppman, so I went upstairs and fell into a dream filled sleep.   
  
I woke up hours later in the dead of night, the Newsies were all asleep,   
  
I tried to fall back asleep but, the whaling of a child was keeping me up.  
  
I looked out the window, it sounded like it was coming from the alley right next to the building.   
  
I walked back over to my bed and slipped my shoes on, creeping down the stairs, and out into the dark night.   
  
It was getting cold, autumn was finally here.  
  
I walked towards the alley looking for the source of the noise finding it two alleys down from the lodging house.   
  
A baby was wrapped in a blanket in a basket, all alone.   
  
I went to pick it up "hey little guy" I whispered.   
  
As I turned to leave a shadow fell on me, I turned, but all I ever saw of the man who ruined my life that night was the scar running up his arm.   
  
I woke up the next day half dressed with Jack standing over me.   
  
"Sunshine, are you ok?" he asked hurriedly.   
  
I looked at him, it took me a minute to recognize him.   
  
I looked at my hands, blood, why was there blood?   
  
I looked over my shoulder, then threw up, the baby was on the ground, dead, with cuts   
  
and bruises all over his little body.   
  
Jack picked me up holding me against him as I sobbed uncontrollably, hard heart racking sobs that were muffled by his chest.   
  
I didn't realize what had happened to me till the doctor told me, I couldn't believe that something like that could happen to me.   
  
Rape.  
  
  
  
The word sounded so foreign.   
  
I couldn't take knowing, that the world had people like that in it, and I couldn't look at the Newsies, I couldn't.   
  
I recovered physically in a few days, Jack sat by my bed the entire time, but I couldn't look at him.   
  
When the Newsies came in I feigned sleep.   
  
But I didn't sleep.   
  
I didn't trust my surroundings enough to sleep, I moved my bed to the bunk in the far corner that nobody wanted.   
  
It was dark, far from the window and I felt somewhat safer there.   
  
But I couldn't take it, I wasn't sleeping or eating.   
  
The guys tried to talk to me, but I couldn't bear to talk to a male, young or old.   
  
I left the lodging house two weeks after my attack, in the middle of the night, silently asking jack to forgive me, for he was the one person who I trusted at least a little.   
  
I wandered the foul streets, my guard up.   
  
I jumped at every sound, and made my way to midtown, where I found an open hotel, bought a room and locked the door.   
  
I slept, but not well, it was a terrorizing sleep that woke me up in a cold sweat, twisted in the sheets.   
  
For two days I stayed holed up in that room, till the lady who cleaned the rooms asked if I was ok.   
  
I shook my head yes, but I wasn't, I needed help, I needed a way out.   
  
I finally emerged from the hotel into the sunlight.   
  
It hurt my eyes and I wanted to go back inside, but I needed to do something to stop the devils   
  
laughter that resounded in my mind.   
  
So I walked, and walked and walked.   
  
I was passing through an alley when I saw a man at the far end leaning on the wall, smoking a cigarette.   
  
I gasped and turned around, but it was too late he had noticed me and came over.   
  
I stood there, stock still, scared out of my mind.   
  
"You look like you need a lift," he said with his raspy voice.   
  
"N..no" I stumbled "I don't need anything"   
  
"I could give you some stuff that makes you feel good all over," he offered pulling out a bottle of pills, "like you're flying, with out a care in the world"   
  
"No...no thank you" I turned to leave, but turned back, "hhhow much?"   
  
He smirked "They're on me baby, but you know where to find me when you need more, then it'll be 2 bucks a bottle"   
  
I took the pills and walked back to the hotel.   
  
I walked slowly up the stairs and into my room as always locking the door.   
  
Sitting on the bed I pulled the bottle out of my pocket staring at them.   
  
Jack had always said if I did drugs he'd kill me, but I was about dead already, and if they really   
  
did make you feel like you were flying...then who cared what Jack said.   
  
My decision made I swallowed three and enjoyed the best ride of my life.   
  
I was addicted, I had re-visited my friend in the alley 3 times in the last month, and was running low on money.   
  
"No!" I yelled in my room "no,no,no!!!!!" I cried throwing stuff randomly   
  
across the room.   
  
"Shit!" I screamed "this can't be happening."   
  
I had to have more money, I had to.   
  
My eyes were bloodshot, I grabbed the last 5 pills and swallowed them, relaxing immediately.   
  
"Damn it" I muttered.   
  
I had to do something.   
  
Still stoned I walked out of the room stalking onto the streets, I wandered around the city trying to think how I could get more money.   
  
I stopped staring darkly at the family before me, they were well dressed and on their way out.   
  
"Oh wait" the father exclaimed "I've forgotten something, I'll be right back"   
  
I watched him place his coat on the driver's seat and run back inside.   
  
His wife and children were in the back, the driver gone for the minute.   
  
Taking my opportunity, I grabbed his coat and ran, hoping there was something in it.   
  
There was, one hundred dollars and a key, presumably to their house, a good thing to know, I thought pocketing the cash and key.   
  
I went to Sterlings joint, sterling being his code name so the bulls didn't get him.   
  
"Here" he said handing them to me, "but the price has gone up, there 5 dollars now"   
  
"Are you kidding me?" I screamed grabbing him by the throat and shoving him into the wall.   
  
"I can't afford that" I hissed.   
  
He threw me off him, "Thats your problem"   
  
I walked out of the house and back to the hotel.   
  
I threw the coat on the bed, I'd sell it.   
  
I made a pretty good thief I thought, there weren't too many girl thieves, and if I got good enough...I didn't want to think, I swallowed the pills upping the dose from 5 to 6.   
  
The next day I managed to get a pocket watch off a old man sitting on the bench.   
  
Taking both the watch and the coat I went to the pawn shop and cashed in, making 120 dollars.   
  
I went to Sterlings to stock up in case he decided to up the price again, walking into huge   
  
cloud of smoke, his buddies were over, playing poker.   
  
"I want more" I said bluntly ignoring them.   
  
"Here" he said handing me three taking the $15 I offered.   
  
"Listen" he said "I've got this new stuff, it's called angel dust, even better then the pills"   
  
he said   
  
"How much?" I asked   
  
"10 a bag"   
  
"And it's good?"   
  
"You know I'd only give you the best baby" he replied.   
  
"Ok give me some" I said.   
  
He handed it to me, "Where you getting the money sweet face?" he asked   
  
"None of your damn business" I snapped   
  
"It's just I haven't seen you on the corners and I had to wonder" he said   
  
"Look, what I do is my business" I hissed "I give you the money and you give me the drugs, everything else doesn't matter"   
  
I started to walk out the door "Yo hold up girlie" one of the thugs called.   
  
Dirty Harry I think I heard them call him.   
  
"What?" I snapped   
  
"Come here" he said grabbing my arm pulling me right next to his face, studying me.   
  
"Shit, I don't believe this" he muttered laughing slightly.   
  
"Can't believe what?" I asked sharply   
  
"You're Jack Kelly's kid sister ain't ya?"   
  
I pulled my arm away from him, "No"   
  
"Don't lie to me girlie, I'd know your face anywhere, even if you look all doped up, you still have that pretty face"   
  
I spat on him, "leave me alone"   
  
I turned to leave as Dirty Harry wiped the spit off his face "you better watch it girlie" he said "your brother's been looking for you, you know"   
  
I turned and slammed him against the wall   
  
"And you aren't going to tell him where I am right?" I said menacingly.   
  
He fairly easily peeled me off, "your secrets safe with me baby I don't want to be the one to tell Cowboy that his sister has become a druggie"   
  
"Good" I said   
  
Sterling rolled up his sleeves…the room was so hot from the smoke.   
  
"Kelly said something bad happened to you" Dirty Harry continued digging for details.   
  
I ignored him looking towards Sterling "What are you looking at?"   
  
"You look like someone I know" he said then smirked "but that was just a fling in the alley months ago"   
  
My mind went crazy as I looked at his bare arms, at the thick red scar that ran up his arm...I went wild pulling out the pocket knife I started carrying around for protection.   
  
"It was you!" I screamed lunging at him, ready to kill him.   
  
Dirty Harry and Blaze caught me, holding me back as I screamed   
  
"I hate you, you dirty bastard, you ruined my life!"   
  
"That was you?" he said "you were good baby"   
  
"You're gonna die, Sterling, you're going down, you piece of shit, you killed me, you killed the   
  
baby, you ruined me!!!!" I yelled, fighting against Harry and Blaze.   
  
"Let me go" I screamed "he's going to pay for doing this to me"   
  
They dragged me out of the house, "we'll take care of him for you" Blaze said   
  
"I want him dead" I yelled "I want him dead like the baby, like me"   
  
"Calm down we'll take care of him" Dirty Harry said.   
  
And then I was.   
  
Not calm, but drained, empty, missing all emotions.   
  
They let me go, and I walked away   
  
"You gonna be ok?" Dirty Harry yelled after me.   
  
I ignored him, and continued walking in a daze, not knowing where I was going.   
  
I ended up facing water, staring at the empty water, it went on for miles, nothing but water   
  
"Sunshine?" someone called.  
  
The voice sounded so far away.  
  
  
  
The person grabbed my shoulder spinning me around, hugging me in what looked like relief.   
  
"You're ok" he screamed, "common we hafta get you back to Jack" he rambled.   
  
I didn't recognize him but I let him drag me, through alleys, and side roads, to a big building where he led me inside, into a room full of guys.   
  
I didn't cringe, I didn't smile, I stood.   
  
"Sunshine?" they exclaimed rushing over to me.   
  
One especially ragged looking boy with a cowboy hat approached me hugging me with a huge smile on his face   
  
"Where'd you find her Spot?" he asked.   
  
I didn't hear the answer.   
  
I spaced out again, into a vast land of nothing.   
  
When I came back into reality I was in a room with a lot of bunks, all in a row, I was standing next to one   
  
"I never gave it up" the Cowboy said.   
  
He was my brother I knew that much, why wasn't I glad to see him?  
  
"Said it was the Kelly bunk..." he was talking to me.   
  
I sat down staring at the wall three bunks ahead of me   
  
*******************JACK'S PERSPECTIVE*********************************   
  
I watched my sister sit and stare, what was wrong with her?   
  
She wasn't listening, it was like she wasn't there, like she had died, it was killing me, she had changed so much, yet it was her, my sister Sunshine.   
  
It was her body, but her mind, her mind was gone.   
  
*******************SUNSHINE'S PERSPECTIVE*****************************   
  
Jack found the pills, he was mad, but he didn't yell, he just looked sad. I didn't know what to do, so I got up and left.   
  
The guys let me, but Jack followed.   
  
I found my way to the bridge again, so I could stare at the water.   
  
Jack caught up "Sunshine are you ok?" he asked in a worried tone.   
  
I turned and looked at him.   
  
Slowly I said "Jack? Do you remember when mom used to read us Macbeth and we didn't understand how they couldn't feel anything anymore?"   
  
He looked at me strangely, "Yeah and you used to argue with her and say you always had to feel something" he said   
  
I looked him square in the eye and said, "I understand now"   
  
He didn't get it, I hoped he never had to.   
  
"I hope you forgive me one day Jack" I said then walked away, back to midtown where I knew a guy, who gave me a gun.   
  
It began to rain as I walked towards the alley where Sterling had attacked me, once there I took   
  
the gun, placing it to my head, and allowed my body to join the blackness that had already consumed my mind.   
  
********************************************************************** 


End file.
